Bear Grylls–Descent into Douchery

Well, Bear Grylls used to be an uberbadass in my book. I put him alongside Randall “Tex” Cobb and Eddy Merckx…until last week.

Grylls is a former member of Great Britain’s elite Special Air Service, a division of their military akin to our Delta or Navy SEALs. He was injured early in his career and sadly had to drop out. He then found a niche as the host of “Man vs. Wild,” a TV program which pits him against the most hostile landscapes on the planet, with nothing but his wits, a knife, his SAS training…and of course a willing camera crew.

Yeah, I know, I’m a 40 year old acting like a teenager with a mancrush, but then again…it’s OVER! Last week I dip into the mailbox, fishing for my latest five-figure check from Elevation Outdoors and instead of (rapidly devaluing) American greenbacks, I discover the above-photo’d catalog featuring official Bear Grylls adventure wear, manufactured by some post-colonial pith-helmet outfit called Craghoppers. Somehow my name had gotten onto the list and the marketing geniuses determined I was prime beef for zip-off-leg pants, chinsy parkas, and other Douche Wear. Hummphh!

I’m sure Grylls made a good chunk of dough for lending his name to the gig…but man, he looks like a poser with the made-up dirt on his face and the muy macho postures throughout. The photo-shopped blue flames (see below)–I mean, come on, couldn’t you have included a “no totally fake douchey BS in the catalog” clause in your contract, Bear?!

Oh well, I guess I’m back to renting Ultimate Fighting Contests and picking on my nephew…that is, unless Grylls goes rogue and comes for me…and then you’ll read all about in the crime blotter of the Daily Shamra. Damn, another legend…gone.