Bear Grylls–Descent into Douchery

Well, Bear Grylls used to be an uberbadass in my book. I put him alongside Randall “Tex” Cobb and Eddy Merckx…until last week.

Grylls is a former member of Great Britain’s elite Special Air Service, a division of their military akin to our Delta or Navy SEALs. He was injured early in his career and sadly had to drop out. He then found a niche as the host of “Man vs. Wild,” a TV program which pits him against the most hostile landscapes on the planet, with nothing but his wits, a knife, his SAS training…and of course a willing camera crew.

Yeah, I know, I’m a 40 year old acting like a teenager with a mancrush, but then again…it’s OVER! Last week I dip into the mailbox, fishing for my latest five-figure check from Elevation Outdoors and instead of (rapidly devaluing) American greenbacks, I discover the above-photo’d catalog featuring official Bear Grylls adventure wear, manufactured by some post-colonial pith-helmet outfit called Craghoppers. Somehow my name had gotten onto the list and the marketing geniuses determined I was prime beef for zip-off-leg pants, chinsy parkas, and other Douche Wear. Hummphh!

I’m sure Grylls made a good chunk of dough for lending his name to the gig…but man, he looks like a poser with the made-up dirt on his face and the muy macho postures throughout. The photo-shopped blue flames (see below)–I mean, come on, couldn’t you have included a “no totally fake douchey BS in the catalog” clause in your contract, Bear?!

Oh well, I guess I’m back to renting Ultimate Fighting Contests and picking on my nephew…that is, unless Grylls goes rogue and comes for me…and then you’ll read all about in the crime blotter of the Daily Shamra. Damn, another legend…gone.

Related Stories

IN CASE YOU MISSED IT...

Blues from the Top Music Festival Celebrates 18 Years of Blues on August 14, 2021

On Saturday, August 14, 2021, Grand County’s Winter Park will host the 18th Annual Blues from the Top (BFTT) ‘Day of Blues’ from 11AM-7PM...

Get Outdoors Like Never Before with Adventure Pass!

Want to participate in a variety of awesome outdoor adventures year-round? Well, it’s easy with RMOC’s Adventure Pass, an affordable pass offering access to...

Buena Vista Outfitter Takes Outdoor Skills to the Next Level

So you’ve lived in Colorado for a few years now. You have even climbed to the top of several fourteeners and gone backcountry ski...

The All-New Looper MIPS Helmet

Sweet Protection is based in Norway and was founded by a tight-knit group of skiers, riders, cyclists and paddlers, looking to make the best...