Sustainability is not a construct. It’s a mantra. And this oh-so-familiar character will tune you in—unless he’s off at a post-Burn party.
Not to be confused with people who actually work to make a difference in the world, the Ecosexual is all about maintaing his sense of superiority. He’s the love child of Wall Street and Haight Ashbury, equal parts patchouli and Audi. While his primary nesting grounds may be in Boulder, there is evidence he finds fertile habitat outside of The Bubble. It doesn’t take the most trained eye or skilled tracker to spot the Ecosexual, thanks to his distinctive musk, oh-so-2017 man bun, Euro-chic-meets-dumpster-diver wardrobe and Lululemon tote bag.
The Ecosexual is mindful. He’ll surely tell you about his mindfulness. His monologues will be so infused with the word mindful that you’ll soon want to give him a piece of your mind. And don’t even get him started on composting. The Ecosexual is very present. Extremely present. Mindfully present in the moment. You’ll know of his presence because he doesn’t believe in using the petrochemicals of deodorant or wasting the water showers require. And should you park too close to his Sprinter, you’ll be all the more aware of his presence.
The Ecosexual is likely to have more miles on his Vibram Five Fingers (yes, he still wears those things) than he does his Prius (soon-to-be Tesla). You can find him grazing Whole Foods, diligently reading ingredient labels or proselytizing to unsuspecting customers. Should you dare date one, avoid going out for dinner; he’ll take forever to order his special-dietary-needs meal—but at least your bone broth will be safe.
Forgive us if this is too much information, but should your date progress to the bedroom, he will likely want to save his chi but, fear not, he’s a willing “stroker” from studiously attending Orgasmic Meditation trainings (yes these are a thing…in Boulder) to assure you find bliss.
The Ecosexual will assure you he’s in touch with his feminine self. At times he can be truly kind and care but, if you want to keep him in your life, be sure to recycle the organic dairy-free chia yogurt containers because failure to do so will kill the deal.
Global warming keeps the Ecosexual awake at night (as, you know, it should). In the dark—so as not to use electricity or pollute the night sky—he’ll speak to you about his deep world-heavy depression in hushed tones, probably stemming from the issues he’s acquired despite a whole staff of therapists, life coaches, healers, guides, visionaries, etc. He strives to be edgy but is as much so as a butter knife and although the Ecosexual prides himself on his tolerance, he’s rather intolerant of gluten, soy, dairy and, mostly, Republicans. Hopefully he will be able to work through it all at his next sweat lodge, drum circle, chanting session and journaling course, where he’ll be sure to be mindfully present.