Get a load of the above–could there be much more detached from the reality of most peoples’ lives? This is what Boulder has become. The Richard Freemans have been overrun by the Core Power people. But honestly, I probably could’ve overlooked all of the above were it not for the following testimony to the sheer unspeakable brainlessness of those responsible. I refer to a phrase of such towering cognitive impairment, to a turd of copywriting so absolutely stupid and vapid, I am honestly and sincerely stunned it could negotiate a marketing director’s office to fruition, rather than effecting the wholesale firing of every flunky, intern, and account manager associated with it. Perhaps it was a practical joke gone wrong. Perhaps the boss’s son, the one with the extra chromosome and the dwindling trust fund and the X5, secretly added it to the layout hours after the crack ad gurus responsible for the rest of the bag went home. Perhaps. But highly doubtful.

You read it correctly: “Children are the orgasm of life.” Unbelievable.

OK, does my rant seem the least bit appropriate now? Who in the kinghell-fuck puts the words “orgasm” and “children” in the same sentence, let alone promotional materials? Honestly–it’s creepy.

I’m done. I only implore all of you remember to dance, sing, floss and travel. Maybe that’s my problem; too little of the aforementioned. But I doubt it, so please, the next time you see a balding (ah, what the hell–bald) punter walking down the street with this bag, take the time to knock him over the head and give him what he deserves for effectively dumping this load into the high-speed fan of life and sullying everyone within ear/eyeshot. Do it. Perhaps the pain of having read the bag will abate upon the sweet, justified arrival of your fists upon my temples. Perhaps. But highly doubtful.

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