Do you have enough love in your heart, and gear in your closet, to crush three sports at once?
Who are those hairless wonders we see biking and running around, still emblazoned with race numbers etched on their over-sunned, über-lean bodies, wearing nothing more than skimpy bikini bathing suits (regardless of gender) and compression wear over their lower legs, triceps and just about every other visible muscle?
Meet the “Trisexuals.” Not to be confused with single- or double-sport aficionados, these swim-bike-run addicts are a breed of their own. But, fear not! You too can be one.
To be honest, even if you wanted to hang with Trisexuals, they probably wouldn’t party with you. First, they are strong individualists and it’s sort of a chicken-or-egg question of whether they naturally gravitate towards their solo sport or if it’s because nobody wants to be teamed up with them. Triathletes tend towards social Darwinism. When they aren’t training (or prepping to train or telling you about their onerous training regimen) and they stop to read something other than their triathlon magazines it will be Ayn Rand or Nietzsche. Note: They do this reading in an altitude tent.
Triathletes are speed freaks, obsessed with moving faster than you. Anything that might create drag, whether it be hair, traditional bike spokes or handle bars, must be swapped out with the newest and lightest. Tri-geeks, with their disk wheels and aero bars, tend to be squirrely riders, which may explain why it is against the rules to draft in most of their events.
So, if you still want to be a Trisexual—or at least look, and train, like one—here’s what you will need:
• Wear wrap-around sunglasses. (think Oakley Prizm)
• Wear your tri kit of a one-piece suit as often as possible. ( Try Pearl Izumi’s Select Pursuit Tri Suit)
• Ride a TT bike that costs more than most people’s used car. (Cervelo, duh)
• You have to have an M-dot tatt, preferably not as a tramp stamp. (Ironman® Come on!)
• Food is “nutrition” and drink is “hydration.” The Trisexual begins every conversation with the phrase, “My coach says…” and then incessantly spouts off about “wattage,” “splits,” and their training zones. (Check out The Feed.)
• Social media exists for the sole purpose of humblebragging about your level of fatigue wrought from training sessions, splits, intervals and, of course, what your coach says. (Strava, anyone?)
• Dinner or, rather, the early evening “nutrition session,” is timed carefully to end in time for the night’s “recovery session.” It includes a scale to weigh the super lean, low-fat, high protein feed.
• To fit in your three daily training sessions, you need to start with a 5 a.m. swim and bed by 8:30pm. This saves money on alcohol and condoms so you can spend it on carbon-fiber bike components.