Lumbersexual? Mountainsexual? All so passé. The future of hot fashion is in sweat, blood, long hours on the trail and that certain look…
(Top photo: SPORTING STYLE: ULATRARUNNING CHAMP ASHLEY ERBA GETS AFTER IT ON THE TRAIL—AND WEARS HER TRUCKER HAT WITH PRIDE.)
You are likely familiar with or, possibly, have even played the part of the Mountainsexual or the Lumbersexual, but that’s so 2014. Now, it’s time to go further, to explore the extremes of endurance, whether that be your physical and psychological limits, or those of the people in your life and their tolerance for you and your many persona makeovers. It’s time for the Ultrasexual.
Consider this gear roundup a paint-by-numbers for your future. Yes, ultrarunning is all the rage and now you can look the part by following these easy steps:
- Trucker hats. We like Patagonia’s Lo Pro ($29). These are mostly for the ladies and a full collection is de rigueur.
- It is important to sport one or two pieces of Euro flair, but there are rules when it comes to mixing and matching. You can only wear one type of compression. If you wear a Buff (buffusa.com) you are not allowed to wear Euro-styled wrap-around sunglasses (e.g., Julbo Venturi, $180; julbousacom). The same is true if you wear ¾ tights, unless you offset the tights with a button-down shirt from a second-hand shop with very few buttons buttoned. Similarly, you are able to neutralize the effect of manpris by pairing them with a 100-mile finisher’s belt buckle.
- Beards, preferably of impressive proportions, or, if not, you can sport a mullet. This is true for men and women.
- Tight booty boy shorts, like Athleta’s Hypersonic Sonar Shortie ($44; athleta.com), for the ladies. Men’s shorts are short and split unless they are Euro style, but then follow the Euro rule, above.
- Because you sleep in your pickup truck, you should be covered with a fine patina of dirt or have body odor, but not both. Matted hair or messy pony tail is okay but only until you cop your bathroom-sink bath at the coffee shop.
- Run in moderately-midsoled shoes, such as Salomon’s S-Lab Sense Ultra ($170; salomon.com). This, of course, is after you’ve switched to maximalist shoes in an effort to recover from the stress fractures suffered as the result of barefoot minimalist footwear, only to sprain both ankles due to the lack of proprioception.
- You survive off of a diet of chia seeds, beer, mescal, coffee, green smoothies (with more chia seeds) and energy gels. Consider aid stations at races to be a cheap way of fueling.
And finally, you need talk a lot about your next “project” of linking together obscure peaks for an O.K.T. (Only Known Time).
—EO Contributing Editor Adam Chase just returned from the 2015 Ironman World Championships in Kona, where he made the next step in his fashion evolution: He is working on becoming a Trisexual.